My very last pregnancy update... Ever!

I'm feeling kind of emotional this morning. I have been expecting to have this baby any minute for the past few weeks (although I should have known better since I've been induced with the last 3 babies and the first two came exactly on their due dates). This has been by far my hardest pregnancy yet. I started with my irritable uterus contractions at 15 weeks this time around instead of 30 or 34. I was able to keep them at bay for a few more weeks by stopping my exercise program that I had hoped to keep up my entire pregnancy but by 18 weeks my contractions were 3 minutes apart, 24 hours a day every day no matter what I did. Around 32 weeks they moved to 1 to 2 minutes apart. It's been exhausting and although I've been very excited to have this new baby as a part of our family, I've been far less than excited to be pregnant this time around. It's been a very long pregnancy to say the least, and today I'm feeling kind of sentimental.

I know that we are done having kids. I thought we were done with Logan but I was not ready to be done, I didn't want to be done. I kept secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) hoping that I'd be able to negotiate one more baby out of Peter. As time went on and Logan got a little bigger and busier (and I got a lot skinnier) I felt okay with being done and after being really depressed about it for awhile I came to grips with it and actually got excited about the new stage of life that we were entering. It took awhile, but I got there. Yet still in the back of my mind, I wondered if we were REALLY done. This time I know. I know that I couldn't be pregnant again (each pregnancy has gotten a little bit harder for me and this one is about as hard as I could handle) and I know that I couldn't do this to my family again. It really took a lot away from them as I sat on the couch or laid in bed for the majority of every day for the past 3 or 4 months. My patience has been less than stellar as I've been in constant pain, and I've been relying so heavily on others to help me clean my house, do my laundry and care for my kids. Besides that, we have outgrown our minivan and needed to upgrade to a 8 passenger minivan and if we were to add one more baby to our family we'd have to buy a BUS! And I'm not okay with that! :)

I'm realizing that this is really the last time that I will be pregnant, the last time I will experience this feeling. The last time I will have these nudges and kicks and somersaults tapping on me from the inside out. The last time that I will have all the kids gathered around me with hands or cheeks gently laid on my belly anticipating the kicks and squirms of the baby and then watching their faces light up and hear the squeals of joy as they can feel the life within me. The last time I will be asked to sacrifice my body and my comfort and my sleep to bring a precious new spirit into this world. The last time that I will buy teeny tiny newborn diapers and open the package long before the baby is born, just to hold it one in my hand and imagine the tiny warm body that would be inside of it. The last time that I will spend an entire day in the hospital staring into the face of such an innocent beautiful creation and feel overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and humility that such a precious gift was entrusted to me and my wonderful husband.

I'm anxious to meet our sweet little Brandon and I know was meant to come into our family, but I'm surprised to find that I'm feeling a little sad to let go of this pregnancy. I'm a LOT surprised to be feeling that actually. I've been praying for it to be over for awhile now, and now that I know that tomorrow it will be over, I am in tears. What a tremendous blessing it has been to be able to be the means of bringing life into the world. My wonderful mother in law gave me an article that was in a BYU newspaper a few weeks ago (click on this sentence to link to the article if you are interested). It was written by a women who was 7 months pregnant with her 6th child and was sitting in a sacrament meeting and as she wrestled with her 5 small kids and felt overwhelmed with feelings of "largeness" the speaker began talking about the pioneers, specifically theSweetwater Crossing. Here's what she says,

"It's horribly cliché to claim that at that very moment, the speaker said the very words I needed to hear, but that's exactly what happened. He was reading the story of the Sweetwater crossing, the day that grown men and women sat down and cried on the banks of the half-frozen river because their strength was utterly spent, the day that three young men carried dozens of people through the chunks of ice and onto the continuing path west that waited on the opposite bank.

And as those words penetrated the hazy fatigue that enveloped me, the Spirit spoke. Not with words, but with a deep impression that I roughly translate here: "Your sacrifice is like unto theirs."

I sensed within myself and how there were spirits waiting on that bank needing to cross to the other side. And how I was carrying them, one at a time, to the opposite bank, so that they could continue along the path to Zion."

I feel so blessed to be able to carry these spirits from one side of the veil to the other. I've mentioned before that I feel "productive" when I'm pregnant. No matter what physical and temporal things I get done during the day I've accomplished something far greater, I've grown life inside of me. I've participated in Heavenly Father's plan of happiness by giving a few of His precious children a way to come here, get a body and be a part of a family. What a huge privilege! Yes it's hard to do, and yes it is a sacrifice but there is a scripture that she talked about in the article I mentioned above. It says,

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service" (Romans 12:1)

That's what I've been doing, presenting my body as a living sacrifice for the service of bringing children into this world. It has been Holy and I know that it was acceptable to my Heavenly Father. And now it's done. Now my sacrifice is not my body in bringing them here, it is instead my time and all of my efforts to raise them and teach them and nourish them and help them to fulfill their potential as well as find joy as a part of our family. I think I'm so emotional about it today because I know how important this has been. I know what a special privilege it has been, especially thinking of so many dear friends that have been unable to have children, and I feel so blessed to have been a part of such an important work and I'm sad to be leaving it behind.

My whole life I have loved babies and wanted to have MANY of my own. At one point I remember wanting to have 12 kids! I couldn't wait for the opportunity to have children of my own. I cried when our first baby was born and felt full. I knew I was doing what Heavenly Father wanted me to be doing and I felt overjoyed to finally be a mother. Now, I have been pregnant or had a new baby (under the age of one) for all but 12 months of our married life (10 1/2 years). This is my life. This is what I know and what I love.

I know that I still have an important work to do in raising these sweet children, and I am excited for the next stage of life. Every day I am amazed by my children and I'm so excited to be able to see them grow and learn and understand even more.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow as I go into the hospital and we welcome little Brandon into our family. I'm sure it will be very emotional for me as it always is, but I think even more so this time since I know it will be the last. Having a baby has been one of the most rewarding things I have done in my life. I have said in the past that I feel like I haven't had to work very hard for many things in my life. I've been extremely blessed. I remember training for my marathon and the thing that kept pushing me on when things got hard was the feeling of fulfillment that came with working so hard and pushing myself so far beyond my limits to accomplish something. I remember thinking about my marathon that I'd never had to work so hard to do something before in my life, but I was wrong. Having a baby is hard work. Carrying the baby, and then of course laboring to give birth to the baby. It's hard, and the reward is SO much more fulfilling even than crossing the finish line after 26.2 miles.

So here's to crossing the last finish line in my marathon of giving birth to these beautiful children. And to the start of a whole new kind of marathon...