I've noticed from experience that when I'm in pain my patience goes out the window and I've really been trying to work on that. A few years ago I had a crazy run in with migraines that would have me down and out for several days and then after the worst of it was over I'd have a lingering headache for several weeks at a time. It was miserable and I was a terrible mother during this time. At first the kids were sympathetic and super helpful and so so sweet, and then as time went on they realized that they could get away with a lot more because I'd be in my room with the blinds closed for hours on end trying to escape all traces of sound and light. When I'd resurface to the land of the living the house would be a disaster and the kids would be breaking all sorts of rules. It was exhausting and frustrating and really hard for me to deal with patiently and calmly. I remember going to Stake Conference during this time and we had Cecil O. Samuelson, President Monson and Elder Wirthland as speakers. Elder Wirthlin spoke on carrying on amidst our adversities and he spoke of President Hinckley and his physical ailments but also of his great influence and then he said,
"Most of the good that is done in this world, is done by people who don't feel very well."
That really struck home with me and I thought about myself and my attitude and I realized that I wasn't doing all that I could be or SHOULD be. I think I'm there again. The ends of my pregnancies are miserable and really difficult for me and it's been taking it's toll. We've been having some real struggles with one of our kids in particular and I've been realizing that it's more my fault than I've been wanting to admit. I've lost my temper more times than I'd like to admit and raised my voice all too often, and in turn, this child has been less respectful and obedient and it's been really hard. I've been so frustrated at times that it's been difficult to spend good quality time loving and nourishing this sweet little spirit. I've had a couple of really big eye opening experiences recently and thought I'd share them with you. One: I've been reading a little book called "A Mother's Influence" by Margaret D. Nadauld and in it she tells a story of a member in their stake who's wife was pregnant with their 5th child and in perfect health but during childbirth had some unexpected complications and ended up clinging to her life. She pleaded with Heavenly Father to allow her to have some more time with her family, she explained that she had scolded them and wanted time to apologize and reassure them of her love. She was able to come home and loved her children and played with them and laughed with them and spent some great time with them and had some very memorable moments, and then one afternoon 30 days later, she was at the community pool with them and she collapsed and was rushed back to the hospital where she died a short time later. This struck home with me because of course, me being pregnant with my 5th child and in perfect health, I thought about how quickly things could change. I was reminded that we are here for a short time and our life is in Heavenly Father's hands and we don't always know His plan for us so we need to live each day like it's our last. I take for granted all too often my health and my sweet family.
Another experience came about after reading my friend Tami's blog where she talked about her sister in law who has 6 children under the age of 8 and recently discovered that she has cancer that has spread throughout most of her body and will take her life sometime in the next year or so. I read through Kaci's blog (Tami's sister-in-law) on an evening where I was especially weighed down with our parenting issues and after reading of her experience I felt like I had everything in the world. And I had time to fix it. I thought about what would happen if I died tomorrow, how would my children remember me? Would this child in particular know how much I love them? I cried for hours thinking about the answer to that question and realized that I had a lot of work to do and felt so very grateful for the time that Heavenly Father has blessed me with to love my children and to teach them and nourish them.
I've been reading a lot of conference talks and scriptures that deal with Patience, Discipline and Parenting and have found some REALLY great ones. One that I was just reading last night is called "Punishment or Discipline" from the October 1983 issue of the Ensign and it talked about the difference between the two and said that, "True discipline is not emotionally charged. Punishment, on the other hand, is frequently accompanied by a tide of uncontrolled emotion." And I think that's where I learned my biggest lesson. I am an emotional and, let's face it folks, a pretty dramatic person by nature. I tend to blow things up a little larger than life, like the time when I came home from a High School Football game that had rained the entire time and burst through the front door and exclaimed, "I'm Freezing! I'm so cold that I'm BLUE! I'm BLUE! I'm actually blue!" I then proceeded to sprawl out on top of our wood burning stove to thaw. Well, being dramatic has not helped me at all in my parenting. I realize that I rely heavily on my emotions and I take it personally when my kids act up thus causing me to feel frustrated and discouraged. I need to remember that it's my calling as their mother to teach them in the best way for them. Not just drill the values and principles into them. But find an effective way for each of them (each one of my kids is so different in how they respond to things) and quietly, gently and lovingly teaching them. A scripture that has always helped me and is always good to be reminded of is in D&C 121:41-43 it says:
"No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile - Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing for afterwards and increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."
"Most of the good that is done in this world, is done by people who don't feel very well."
That really struck home with me and I thought about myself and my attitude and I realized that I wasn't doing all that I could be or SHOULD be. I think I'm there again. The ends of my pregnancies are miserable and really difficult for me and it's been taking it's toll. We've been having some real struggles with one of our kids in particular and I've been realizing that it's more my fault than I've been wanting to admit. I've lost my temper more times than I'd like to admit and raised my voice all too often, and in turn, this child has been less respectful and obedient and it's been really hard. I've been so frustrated at times that it's been difficult to spend good quality time loving and nourishing this sweet little spirit. I've had a couple of really big eye opening experiences recently and thought I'd share them with you. One: I've been reading a little book called "A Mother's Influence" by Margaret D. Nadauld and in it she tells a story of a member in their stake who's wife was pregnant with their 5th child and in perfect health but during childbirth had some unexpected complications and ended up clinging to her life. She pleaded with Heavenly Father to allow her to have some more time with her family, she explained that she had scolded them and wanted time to apologize and reassure them of her love. She was able to come home and loved her children and played with them and laughed with them and spent some great time with them and had some very memorable moments, and then one afternoon 30 days later, she was at the community pool with them and she collapsed and was rushed back to the hospital where she died a short time later. This struck home with me because of course, me being pregnant with my 5th child and in perfect health, I thought about how quickly things could change. I was reminded that we are here for a short time and our life is in Heavenly Father's hands and we don't always know His plan for us so we need to live each day like it's our last. I take for granted all too often my health and my sweet family.
Another experience came about after reading my friend Tami's blog where she talked about her sister in law who has 6 children under the age of 8 and recently discovered that she has cancer that has spread throughout most of her body and will take her life sometime in the next year or so. I read through Kaci's blog (Tami's sister-in-law) on an evening where I was especially weighed down with our parenting issues and after reading of her experience I felt like I had everything in the world. And I had time to fix it. I thought about what would happen if I died tomorrow, how would my children remember me? Would this child in particular know how much I love them? I cried for hours thinking about the answer to that question and realized that I had a lot of work to do and felt so very grateful for the time that Heavenly Father has blessed me with to love my children and to teach them and nourish them.
I've been reading a lot of conference talks and scriptures that deal with Patience, Discipline and Parenting and have found some REALLY great ones. One that I was just reading last night is called "Punishment or Discipline" from the October 1983 issue of the Ensign and it talked about the difference between the two and said that, "True discipline is not emotionally charged. Punishment, on the other hand, is frequently accompanied by a tide of uncontrolled emotion." And I think that's where I learned my biggest lesson. I am an emotional and, let's face it folks, a pretty dramatic person by nature. I tend to blow things up a little larger than life, like the time when I came home from a High School Football game that had rained the entire time and burst through the front door and exclaimed, "I'm Freezing! I'm so cold that I'm BLUE! I'm BLUE! I'm actually blue!" I then proceeded to sprawl out on top of our wood burning stove to thaw. Well, being dramatic has not helped me at all in my parenting. I realize that I rely heavily on my emotions and I take it personally when my kids act up thus causing me to feel frustrated and discouraged. I need to remember that it's my calling as their mother to teach them in the best way for them. Not just drill the values and principles into them. But find an effective way for each of them (each one of my kids is so different in how they respond to things) and quietly, gently and lovingly teaching them. A scripture that has always helped me and is always good to be reminded of is in D&C 121:41-43 it says:
"No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile - Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing for afterwards and increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."
I love this scripture because it talks so specifically about how we should discipline our children. Patiently, lovingly and sometimes sharply (if prompted by the Spirit) but always followed with an increase of love. Here are a few other quotes that I read in a book called "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell:
"The way we communicate with our children has a profound impact on how they develop."
"Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed."
"When we are too busy doing things for our children, we forget how important it is to simply be with them."
"Being mindful as a parent means having intention in your actions. With intention, you purposefully CHOOSE your behavior with your child's emotional well being in mind."
This goes along with something that I heard a long time ago about choosing to ACT and not REACT to situations that we find ourselves in. When we act, we are making a conscious choice and are in control of what we do and say. However when we are always REacting to situations our actions are based on emotions and we tend to regret the things we do or say.
All morning Maddie has been singing "I'm trying to be like Jesus" and it's so sweet to hear her little voice as she sings of such a simple truth. It reinforces what I've been praying for and trying to do in being more gentle and patient in my parenting and not so harsh. I love the words to that little Primary Song and I'm so glad that my children know it and sing it and hopefully they understand it and mean it. It says:
"I'm trying to be like Jesus
I'm following in His ways.
I'm trying to love as He did
In all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice
but I try to listen as the still small voice whispers:
Love one another as Jesus loves you
Try to show kindness in all that you do
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
for these are the things Jesus taught.
I'm trying to love my neighbor
I'm learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness
when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons He taught.
Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts saying:
Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
for these are the things Jesus taught."
I was reading in my journal the other day and found an entry from 2006 that I thought was really insightful. I talked about some things I was learning as I read Steven Covey's book "First Things First" and he said, "The way we SEE things (our view on things) affects the things we DO (our thoughts, actions and words) and affects the things we GET out of life." And it made me think, what do I want to get out of life? What is my main goal? And I wrote down that I wanted "a happy successful family life full of love and respect based on the teachings of the Savior and filled with the spirit." And then I thought about the things that I did during my days and tried to evaluate if those things were helping me to achieve that goal. I wrote down that "I often get frustrated and yell, or I spend all my time cleaning and organizing instead of teaching and loving and fostering the spirit that I want in my home." And then I drew a conclusion that had really been a long time coming for me. I said, "Until now, I've been viewing this stage of motherhood as a temporary chaotic period where things are busy and loud and crazy. And if I could just hang on past this stage, then things would calm down and be the way we want them to be. Which is not true. That kind of outlook leads to behavior that is 'hanging in there' behavior instead of nourishing, loving and moulding our kids into who we want them to become in that next 'calm stage'. THIS, right now, everything that happens every day is motherhood. THIS is what I've always wanted and have waited my whole life for. You can't live the happy joyous 'calm stage' without living a little chaos and spend time moulding them into calm, loving, respectful kids. Love them NOW in their growing stage so that they'll love you and respect you later. Motherhood is not about the mother - it's about the children. I had an 'ah-ha!' moment the other night at mutual as I realized that I was one of the youngest leaders but I had the most kids by far. I realized that the choice I made to have kids so young and so close together was my choice and I made it because I wanted to have a family. And as I talked with the other YW leaders I realized that I LOVED my life, chaos and all. I chose it and I loved it! I felt good! I was happy being a mother in this 'temporary chaotic stage' and I hope to be as happy in every stage that follows." As I re-read that I realized again that every stage of life brings us new challenges and new joys. Everything that I'm learning as a parent right now is really really difficult, but the joys that I'm experiencing now are different and more fulfilling than the ones I've felt in the past. I love my children more and I know them better and I have watched them grow and develop and become really great kids, mistakes and all. The positives have really outweighed the negatives and sometimes it takes stepping back to see that. And sometimes it takes an experience that makes you believe that your life on earth could be over in the blink of an eye. Life is good. We have been so very blessed and we really do have so much to be grateful for.
I'm so grateful for my sweet little family. I really and truly am. I get overwhelmed and emotional as I think about the responsibilities that go along with having so many sweet little spirits to teach. And I sometimes question my ability to raise them and influence them for good. It's such a daunting task. But I know that Heavenly Father hasn't left us alone. I'm so so grateful that Peter and I were married in the temple and entered into a partnership with Heavenly Father as well as with each other. How comforting it is to know that He will always be a part of our decisions in raising our family.
Sorry for the long emotional ramblings of this tired pregnant lady but I wanted to write down all of the things I'm learning right now so that I could remember them and hopefully solidify some of these realizations and become better. I'm so grateful for my membership in the church and for the things that I know because of it. I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that we are not alone and that I am a beloved daughter of a Heavenly Father. I think knowing that helps me find strength to do the hard things in life. Being His daughter means that I have some of His strength and I can do anything with His help. And because I am His daughter he loves me and wants to help me, even though it may be an exhausting and never ending task.
Here's an amazing video to end on an uplifting note. This is Elder Wirthlin sharing his thoughts on enduring trials and loving life in spite of them. It's called "Come What May And Love It" click here to read the full text of his talk.
6 comments:
Oh I loved this post. It made me cry a little. What a gift and blessing, but also trial, it is to be a mom. Thank you for your sweet spirit and wonderful attitude even when you are in so much pain. You make me want to be a mom even more!
That was beautiful, Janelle. It gave me a lot to think about. Thanks!
love you.
I really needed that right now, thank you. I am amazed at how alike we are! I still really wish you lived close again and I promise I would take advantage of it this time!
That was really well written and put Janelle. Thank you for sharing what you did. I've been thinking a lot of how I am as a new mother and how important that role is...so thank you for helping me. I wish you the best in finishing your pregnancy and with your current trial with you child.
Can't wait to hear that little Logan has arrived!!
Enjoyed that Janelle. Nice to know that we are all share challenges and struggles in this life that serve to bring us closer to the ones we love but especially to the Savior. You are a great example to me!
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